LET'S BE INFINITE...

I can’t type anymore…

MY heart’s dying….and I really can’t handle any more negativity right now….

the thing is you still lead me on

you made me believe that things were perfect between us, it wasn’t until you told me about this whole Casey thing in august that i saw any type of falter in our relationship and that was so wrong of you in so many ways and a part of myself wants to hate you so much for doing that to me. for making me believe you were perfectly happy with me when you obviously werent. if i had committed to someone i wouldnt have done what you did to me, i wouldnt have lied because i know they trust me, i wouldve been honest from the first day i had begun to feel like maybe the relationship wasnt enough you completely caught me off guard the first break hit me so hard i swear i couldnt breathe right for a few days i had no idea what i had done wrong what i had done to cause you to think you might not want to be part of my life anymore but all along it was you and you never told me

Scared? I was.

I took a chance yes. But I didn’t love you completely. It wasn’t fair to you, you did love me with your whole heart, and I didn’t ever love you like that. You love me for reasons beyond my knowing and I wish I could return the feelings but  I can’t. This new girl, something in her stopped the memories, the flash backs of Casey. For once in my life I had found the long sought after peace I’ve been looking for. The one person, the one thing that stopped the noise, that brought me peace of mind. So yes I risked everything, because that is what you do when you’re in love. The cost doesn’t matter, you go after your dreams and hope things work out. If they don’t you cry, your hurt and you move on. If you had been with someone else before me, and you two had claimed to love one another…..and then you and I met and you fell for me while still with them….wouldn’t you have risked everything to see where things would go? I followed my heart….Not saying I was right….but I couldn’t deny it.

did you honestly think someone else could love you like i did?

you always told me how it was so hard for you to be real with people and for people to accept the real you, you dropped me to take a chance with a girl just like that it didnt scare you that she might never accept you that she mightve turned out to be just like ashlynn and hate your goofy antics and would want to change you. i am not saying any of that is true its the fact that despite all you told me you risked losing me to try and take a chance with someone who might never love you the real you quirks, flaws and all.

you know through all of this i still defended you…

i still talked about you like it wasnt all your fault that i was broken that somehow the distance was all at fault. I still defended you after you broke my heart, that you at least cared about me and the one thing i didnt have to worry about is you cheating on me…this is the third time i fully let someone in and trust them with everything in me and they abuse my trust and screw me over. I knew you would find someone but i had no idea you would be willing to sacrifice everything we had to be with someone else. i thought a meant a bit more than that. apparently not. what we had used to mean so much to me but as i start to force myself to open my eyes to all the things i forced myself to be blind to…you lead me on just like all the rest. you promised me things that would make me happy and in the end you left me broken just like all the rest. the fact that you so easily fell for someone else shows that you never loved me as much as you thought you did as much as i thought you did. You have no idea what im going through okay? because at least you know from the start things are going to go no where with this girl. i gave you every part of me and we shared something and i hoped more than anything that my love would be enough because i knew you could do better and i knew i could lose you in an instant. so no its not the same you mislead me you gladly took everything i had to offer and lied to me made me believe i had my happily ever after and completely crushed me when someone else came along. what hurts is you didnt even think about my feelings you ended things with and presuaded her and if she had fallen for you, you wouldnt have come back ever you would’ve moved on without a second thought about me. i meant nothing to you in the end i was so easily replaceable. what you are experiencing is karma you hurt someone who loved you for someone you liked and she is going to go off and find someone she loves and you will regret this. im realizing i couldnt have anything to prevent this i gave everything i could possibly do to make this relationship work i was willing to do everything in my power to make this work but you werent and when its so uneven it will never work. i pushed so many guys away because i knew you trusted me but the second a girl approached you forgot all your trust. i cant believe you had the audacity to tell me about the blind date when you had been talking to another girl a few weeks earlier. 

Funny….

So when I parted from you, I did it for several reasons. Did you know I’ve stopped thinking about her? Casey…And it wasn’t because of you. I fell for someone else. Silly of me to do, because those I fall for the hardest never really return the favor. She said she liked me, she even cried over me, and yet she would rather be alone. Feels that she is better off alone. In a way she’s a lot like me. And thus I came to the conclusion that I know what you’re going through. I know what its like to throw your heart into a fight of its life and yet get no response. Not the response you want anyway. You and I shared love, yes. But my heart, it wasn’t fully in it. That small part of me that still loved Casey would never let go. This girl, for whatever reason allowed me to let that piece of me go. However, she is too much like  Dr. Catherine Halsey. She only cares for people because she finds them interesting I suppose. Whatever feelings she has, she can easily disengage because she doesn’t know how to love. Or that she can. She’s scared, and confused. And yet….Even though I get no response. Even though we aren’t together….I still care for her and it’s strange. But I will never be with her, like Casey, I wasn’t really given a chance to develop that relationship. And it kills me. So take confidence that you and I at least had a chance. I just screwed it up. And seeing as my whole heart was never in it, not that I didn’t try. I just didn’t have a full heart when I met you. And I’m sorry. Perhaps I’m meant to be alone as well. Be alone, better off alone. Not showing emotion. Not being human. I hurt so much, I can only imagine what I put you through. I had a dream we were in the same place. You put your arms around me and I felt distant from you. I’m going crazy now, I’m sure of it. Doomed to only half love girls who can show me love, and fully love those who don’t ever return it. Doomed. And no one can save me. The torment seems too much, it rips through my soul like a knife, no a large sword. I feel cold, unfeeling. Pain, that is all I really feel now….pain that reminds me I’m still human as much as I wish I wasn’t. I don’t want to be human, I want to stop caring for this girl. I want to stop feeling. I want to stop making mistakes. Stop crushing peoples lives without trying. I want to be happy for once….and not partially happy.  If anything I suppose I’ll be able to move now without Casey draining my memories and thoughts and feelings. I doubt I will have a chance with another, and do not deserve another with  someone of my past. I’m hurting. I’m in pain. I am lonely. And worst of all I am alone. Cold and alone…..drifting……

-Andrew

P.S. I wish I could hide behind this…..

its funny that you don’t apperciate moments until they become memories…

i don’t know why maybe because this moment was almost an year ago but i keep thinking about when i spent thanksgiving with your family. It was towards the end of the day and you had just been told that you were going to do prayer so we were in your room and you were looking for a scripture while i sat behind you and massaged your shoulders because you had asked me to. While you looked through your bible and i massaged your back your dad passed by your bedroom door and just smiled at me before walking away. it seemed so insignificant then but now its something i keep remembering. i guess im realizing that with us being over im not only losing you, my bestfriend and boyfriend but also people who were like a second family to me and more of a family to me than my aunt and uncle. your family was so kind to me im going to miss them as well. im losing a lot in such a short about of time im sorry i cant just be okay.

-Eneida